Mexico

I had about 2 more chemo treatments to go when my husband came into the room with something behind his back.  He told me this was not my Christmas present but he just couldn't wait to give it to me.  He handed me a photo album with our wedding picture on the front.  Inside were his vows and more pictures of us and our children.  I flipped through the book in tears, finally landing on pictures of a tropical landscape. He had planned a trip for us to Mexico a month after my last radiation treatment.

Most of these pictures are in the evening, because I spent my days enjoying the sun, sand and water.

This was just what I needed.  After spending 8 months looking at the same walls of my house, I finally felt free!

Our days were spent in the sun and our evenings full of wonderful food, views, music and cards.

We took walks to town and also a taxi to the boardwalk, where we were intrigued with the culture and art.

 All of the sculptures were made of copper and were very interactive.

 Sand sculptures

A week away to remember who I really am.  No thoughts of Cancer or feelings of anxiety. Just living in the moment.

It's been a rough 9 months for both of us. We needed this time not as caretaker and patient, but Husband and Wife.  There is no other person in the world I would rather have by my side on this journey of life.  

Joy, Guilt, Fear, Healing

Joy

February 21, 2017 was the last of my radiation.  It really was rather insignificant in the eyes of the radiology team.  They handed me my mask to take home as a "souvenir",  (I truly did want it.) then sent me on my way.

I scheduled my port removal for that Thursday, 2 days after my last radiation.  I was excited.  I actually was looking forward to surgery.  That port was the last remaining reminder that I was sick.  I joked with the doctors and students while I waited.
7 days after the surgery I traveled to the Center to have my stitches removed.  One student that had followed me throughout the entire ordeal wanted to be in the room.  She made me feel like I had truly accomplished a feat. As I left the office, I jokingly said "I won't see you again, so thank you and have a great life."

Guilt

After leaving the Center I sat in my car and cried.  It did not feel like a happy cry.  I realized that the people who honestly know every emotion I have been feeling and all the hurt I hid, I would not see again.  The Dana Center at UTMC was a great source of support.

I finally went through the medicine cabinet and pulled out all of the pills prescribed to me during this great "detour" of my life.  These pills were to make my pain better and my nausea fade.  I did not take them.  As I open the full bottles I felt guilt that so many people have had to rely on these pills to keep going.  I did not.  I should be happy, but I can't help but feel that maybe I had it "easy".  So many people suffer terribly and I just went on.  Not saying I didn't have my days, but certainly not as bad as others.

I feel guilt for putting my family through this.  I know it was not my fault that I had Cancer, but the emotional toll on my family was terrible.  We all knew that this was not a Death Sentence for me, but it was hard. I'm pretty good at holding things in and not showing what I am really going through, I think I do that to spare them.  My youngest daughter recently told me that with all I was going through she never heard me complain and that she admired me for that.  Is that a good thing? She needs to know that it is alright to cry and show that you are hurt.

Fear

Now anything that hurts or feels out of the ordinary I get scared.  You have to know that I am not a person that sees the doctor for any little ailment, or big one for that matter.  Call it stubborn or stupid, it is what it is. That's why it took me so long to seek answers to my shoulder.  I no longer trust my Doctor.  After seeing him for my shoulder twice in 6 months, having multiple x-rays and prescriptions, and him looking through medical books to figure it out, I just am leery to ask his advice.  
Recently I had pain in my shin for over a week, I went to Urgent Care fearing a blood clot. Nope, just a sore muscle. This was a Saturday I got to spend with my husband.  We were planning to go see a movie and instead sat in a Doctors office. A year ago I would have just taken pain reliever and went on.
I called the radiologist yesterday because I have welts in the creases of my neck, on the same side I had radiation. Thinking it was a side effect of the radiation, but told to just use hydrocortisone and it will get better. Am I becoming a hypochondriac or this my new normal?

Healing

It seems easy to rejoice in the fact that I am done with Cancer.  Physically I hurt as well as emotionally.  My new chance is going to be riddled with questions and concerns.  I wonder how long the process will be.  I do know that my outlook on life has changed.  I want to go experience things.  I want to take chances.  I want to listen, talk, love and help.  I want to be a change for someone else.  I don't want to miss a thing this life has to offer.