New year, New ME

The day after Christmas.  The house is a mess.  Everyone got everything their little hearts desired and then some.  I'm tired of the house being out of order.  Furniture displaced in order to make room for trees.  Containers of sweets litter the counter tops.  New items to find room for.  Everything needs to be organized for me to feel comfortable.

This is the time of year you see stores full of organization totes, shelving and cleaning supplies.  Turn on the television and you find every diet company offering discounts on meal plans promising your first 5 pounds lost are free.  The latest get fit quick scheme is on the next channel, touting it's newest piece of equipment, with little or no effort at all on your part.  We all crave the new year as a way to get a fresh start a new beginning and change in our lives.

December 20th I finished my last round of chemo.  The day was no different than any other time I went to the Center.  I was prepped for my 8 bags of poison and my 6 hour day.  My Mom accompanied me as she has through all of the surgeries and chemos.  My body was tired.  I went though the usual gagging and nausea while I choked down my lunch connected to a machine. My husband stopped by for the last hour or so and the three of us quietly celebrated as I was "unplugged" from my last bag of chemo.  Tears of relief and apprehension for the next phase began to set in.

This Christmas did not feel like the rest for me.  I was unable to do too much as my body is weak and dealing with side effects of everything.  In my stillness (much time spent on the couch) I felt grateful that God had allowed me another Christmas and gotten me through these last 5 months stronger in my faith.  Thinking this way made me realize, my faith is strong however my body is not.  How will I be the hands and feet of Jesus if my body is not strong enough to make it across the room? 

With my chemo I gained about 10 pounds give or take.  It's what keeps me looking healthy, I think. I also lost a lot of muscle tone, not that I was in great shape when I started.   Thinking about how God had helped me through this phase of my disease I feel like I owe it to Him to get myself into shape.  Not for vanity, because with what I have been through I really don't care what I look like.  I'm alive.  Heavy or not, hair or not.  I feel I owe it to God to become strong in body to fulfill His plans for me. 

Now as I embark on this new journey to health, I only have to answer to Him.  I'm not looking for a quick fix, but a new way of life.

One More

I cried this week.


On Monday, 6 days after my 5th Chemo treatment I heard the news of a little boy in my County named Layne.  Layne had brain cancer at the age of 5 he had fought this cancer for 2 years.  On Sunday evening Layne passed away.  It hit me hard and I have never met Layne or his family.  That child went through treatments and pain like a champ.  All of the pictures I had seen of him, he was smiling through it all. I cried for him and his family.  God had a plan for him.

I cried this week.

On my way to the Chiropractor the same day I was singing to and praising God while listening to my favorite station, KLOVE.  I began to cry.  I was not sad.  I was thinking about how wonderful this Chiropractor was.  My body was aching after 5 days of steroids. My legs were weak and my neck was our of line.  This Chiropractor was a blessing, not because he got me in that day, but because he blessed me with adjustments and massage at no charge.  Who am I to deserve this treatment?  He wanted to give my body the best healing power.  Before I started seeing him twice a week, I had never met him.

I cried this week.

Every three weeks My Mom drives me to the Eleanor Dana Cancer Center on the campus of UTMC.
We have become professionals at packing for the day, since I am there for 6 to 7 hours.  We each carry a bag.  Mine is filled with coloring books, ear buds, phone, hard candy/ gum (cuz I am 8 😏) My Mom fills her bag with new snacks for me to try or makes us lunch to share.  She sits in the chair and makes conversation while the nurse is prepping me.  My Mom encourages me to "take a walk" when all I really want to do is get this over with.  When I am tired and need to sleep, she reads in the dark.  The poor woman watches as I get foot massages, when I know she could truly use it too.  At the end of the day she is exhausted as she drives me home.

I cried this week.

I am ever grateful for the people God has placed in my life.  From the stranger that walked past me in the store and said "God Bless You" to friends who text me or stop by to see how I am doing.  The cards that arrive at just the right time.  I appreciate the young boy who asked lots of questions about my Cancer and the nurses at the Center who keep me upbeat.

On December 20th I will complete my Chemo cycle. I have been strong.  Being strong has made me hold in a lot of emotions.  I have not told anyone of all of the pain or emotional stress I have been enduring and likely I won't.  But thinking of my last chemo makes me so grateful for getting through it that I cry.  I can finally rest and release all of the frustration and pain.