Far Away

When I finished my radiation I jumped right back into life.

I just couldn't wait to move on and get this all over with.  I started a couch to 5k program.  I helped with the Women's Retreat at my church and I got a part time job at a local Historical Museum.
I was busy!  I loved it.

I quit running when my heart started flipping around in my chest and I couldn't catch my breath.  My body had been through so much and I had sat for so long that I just wasn't ready.  My knees began to hurt and then my hips.  I quit.

I was ready to get back to work.  I had a dress made in a 1920's style in order to work in a Farmhouse at the Museum.  It was great.  I got to learn the history of the museum, the family that lived in the house and some cools facts about the 20's.  The days were filled with school children and some adults who remembered their grandparents house looking just like the farmhouse I worked in.  I didn't realize I was wearing myself out.  I wasn't drinking enough water while working and I certainly wasn't eating as well either. I wound up getting a bit dizzy and falling down the cellar stairs.  I went home early that day.  Then talk of cooking in the farmhouse came up.  Uh, it's a coal stove.  Coal is a carcinogen. I was beginning to panic.  I can't be in a house with coal burning.....I decided to take a leave.  Maybe I'll go back next spring.

The Women's Retreat was the second one I had helped with in our church.  I was excited, but I felt lonely.  It was hard to explain.  God was my comfort, my healer, and my rock throughout my Cancer treatments.  I felt his presence closer than any other time in my life. Suddenly I felt alone.  I had gotten back into life and didn't invite Him in with me.  I was so ready to move on and do things, that I was unable to do, that I spent less time with Him.  I cried often.  I got angry.  How could he leave me now?  But it was me who left.  I had a hard time explaining it to others so I would just tear up and say "I'm so emotional, ya know."  I needed to slow down.  I needed to focus.  I did just that.  I took the time I needed. I stayed home, I worked in the garden, I took care of myself.

Now if I can remember to continue doing that.........

Here are some pics of my garden, my happy place.  While I'm working in the garden it's also a time I get to spend with God.

Fearless

It just hit me....I started to let tears fall, then I stood up.

1 year ago today I was referred to an Oncologist.  The fear.  I have come so far and truly put so much behind me, but I knew this week was the time I learned I may have cancer.

It became a whirl wind and I just got blown around with it.  I was weak.  I was fearful.  My life was up in the air and I couldn't catch it.

I can't believe where I am now. Five months out of cancer treatment.  I fought. I hid a lot pain from my family and friends.  I gave up a few times.  I was joyful and I was sorrowful.
Now I am preparing my little classroom for another school year filled with 3 classes and a total of 36 kids.  I took and passed my Ohio and National real estate exams in May and am now selling.  I am feeling the energy and strength I once had.  I am noticing a bit more patience.  Things just aren't getting to me as much.  Ah.....I guess I have figured out what's important in life.

I do panic once in a while.  I worry about what is going into my body.   What I am eating or breathing even what my skin may absorb. I still get teary when I go to the Doctor, the memories there just hit hard.  I'm sure that won't be forever.  I guess it's good that I am aware.

I am choosing to make each day count.  I am taking chances. I am using the good dishes.  I am taking the time.  I am living!