The next step

My Chemo is done, over, finished and I am moving on.  I try really hard not to even think about it anymore.  Some of the side effects are moving on too.  I have feeling in my fingers, I'm only a little nauseated by smells, and my head looks like it's gaining wisps of blonde cotton candy.  So now I get to finish up with radiation.

I visited with my radiologist yesterday.  While I was in his office, we took another look at the PET scan I had done before this whole ordeal started.  On the scan my left shoulder is lit up orange and yellow like it was on fire.  Those are the cancer cells.  As the Doctor moved the picture around you can see some color on my neck and under my arm. The Doctor was discussing with medical students what we were seeing and said the cancer was in my muscle then it presented on the skin.  As I am watching and listening I begin to wonder...What if my shoulder never got red and hot?  How long would I have gone living with cancer and not knowing I had it?  Why did I get to have an outward sign of the cancer?  I started asking the Doctor and he was equally surprised that the mass had shown up on my skin.  Apparently this rarely happens, but that's why it was caught at stage 2.  Oddly I had run around for almost a year with that red splotch on my arm without taking it too seriously.  Other Doctors were unable to diagnose it so I just lived with it.

The Doctor was giving the run down of how he would like radiation to go.  5 days a week for 4 weeks.  20 treatments.  He wanted to have my head and shoulders immobilized to make sure every spot was treated equally each time I was in.  I was ushered into a changing room to put on a gown. Next I was taken to the radiology room to have a cast made of my head and shoulders.  The nurse was training a student so I got to hear how this was all going down.  First I was placed on a board with my knees over a bolster while the nurse began creating the pillow that would form around my head.  Next another board was placed at my feet with cords and handles I would hold to keep my shoulders from moving.  The Doctor then began marking my shoulder.  My shoulder is numb from the biopsy still, so when the Doctor was pushing on my shoulder asking me if this was where the red mark was, I had a bit of difficulty because I couldn't feel where he was touching. He taped my shoulder off and then I was told to keep my head turned to the right and close my eyes.

I felt a warm mesh laid on my face and shoulders.  I could hear the nurses snapping the form into place to the board.  I could breathe.  Pushing and forming the mesh to my face, neck and shoulders.  Cold water and clothes were laid on my face.  I'm still.  I can breathe. The mesh got tighter as it cooled. I tried to swallow but my chin couldn't move. I hear the nurse say she was going to start a scan and that I was doing really well.  She left.  I can't talk.  I can breathe.  The table began to move.  I was holding on to the handles.  I started repeating in my head...Ron, Olivia, Hannah.  Ron, Olivia, Hannah over and over to keep me from freaking out.  It was an eternity before I decided to open my eyes. I could only open my right eye and all I could see was the mesh and a bit of the lights on the ceiling. Ron, Olivia, Hannah, Ron, Olivia, Hannah...The nurse came back in.  She said the Doctor would have to look at the scan it would be a few more minutes, I was doing great.  I raised my thumb as I was still holding the handles.  Jesus, Ron, Olivia, Hannah, Jesus, Ron, Olivia, Hannah...The table began to move again and the nurses came back in the room.  I was ready to have them unsnap me and sit up.  First they had to mark the laser on the mask.  How long will this take?????? Finally they began unsnapping as they lifted the form I still could not move my head, that pillow had formed around the back of my skull keeping me looking to the right. Once they removed the board under my feet I could finally sit up.  I get to do this 20 times.