New year, New ME

The day after Christmas.  The house is a mess.  Everyone got everything their little hearts desired and then some.  I'm tired of the house being out of order.  Furniture displaced in order to make room for trees.  Containers of sweets litter the counter tops.  New items to find room for.  Everything needs to be organized for me to feel comfortable.

This is the time of year you see stores full of organization totes, shelving and cleaning supplies.  Turn on the television and you find every diet company offering discounts on meal plans promising your first 5 pounds lost are free.  The latest get fit quick scheme is on the next channel, touting it's newest piece of equipment, with little or no effort at all on your part.  We all crave the new year as a way to get a fresh start a new beginning and change in our lives.

December 20th I finished my last round of chemo.  The day was no different than any other time I went to the Center.  I was prepped for my 8 bags of poison and my 6 hour day.  My Mom accompanied me as she has through all of the surgeries and chemos.  My body was tired.  I went though the usual gagging and nausea while I choked down my lunch connected to a machine. My husband stopped by for the last hour or so and the three of us quietly celebrated as I was "unplugged" from my last bag of chemo.  Tears of relief and apprehension for the next phase began to set in.

This Christmas did not feel like the rest for me.  I was unable to do too much as my body is weak and dealing with side effects of everything.  In my stillness (much time spent on the couch) I felt grateful that God had allowed me another Christmas and gotten me through these last 5 months stronger in my faith.  Thinking this way made me realize, my faith is strong however my body is not.  How will I be the hands and feet of Jesus if my body is not strong enough to make it across the room? 

With my chemo I gained about 10 pounds give or take.  It's what keeps me looking healthy, I think. I also lost a lot of muscle tone, not that I was in great shape when I started.   Thinking about how God had helped me through this phase of my disease I feel like I owe it to Him to get myself into shape.  Not for vanity, because with what I have been through I really don't care what I look like.  I'm alive.  Heavy or not, hair or not.  I feel I owe it to God to become strong in body to fulfill His plans for me. 

Now as I embark on this new journey to health, I only have to answer to Him.  I'm not looking for a quick fix, but a new way of life.

One More

I cried this week.


On Monday, 6 days after my 5th Chemo treatment I heard the news of a little boy in my County named Layne.  Layne had brain cancer at the age of 5 he had fought this cancer for 2 years.  On Sunday evening Layne passed away.  It hit me hard and I have never met Layne or his family.  That child went through treatments and pain like a champ.  All of the pictures I had seen of him, he was smiling through it all. I cried for him and his family.  God had a plan for him.

I cried this week.

On my way to the Chiropractor the same day I was singing to and praising God while listening to my favorite station, KLOVE.  I began to cry.  I was not sad.  I was thinking about how wonderful this Chiropractor was.  My body was aching after 5 days of steroids. My legs were weak and my neck was our of line.  This Chiropractor was a blessing, not because he got me in that day, but because he blessed me with adjustments and massage at no charge.  Who am I to deserve this treatment?  He wanted to give my body the best healing power.  Before I started seeing him twice a week, I had never met him.

I cried this week.

Every three weeks My Mom drives me to the Eleanor Dana Cancer Center on the campus of UTMC.
We have become professionals at packing for the day, since I am there for 6 to 7 hours.  We each carry a bag.  Mine is filled with coloring books, ear buds, phone, hard candy/ gum (cuz I am 8 😏) My Mom fills her bag with new snacks for me to try or makes us lunch to share.  She sits in the chair and makes conversation while the nurse is prepping me.  My Mom encourages me to "take a walk" when all I really want to do is get this over with.  When I am tired and need to sleep, she reads in the dark.  The poor woman watches as I get foot massages, when I know she could truly use it too.  At the end of the day she is exhausted as she drives me home.

I cried this week.

I am ever grateful for the people God has placed in my life.  From the stranger that walked past me in the store and said "God Bless You" to friends who text me or stop by to see how I am doing.  The cards that arrive at just the right time.  I appreciate the young boy who asked lots of questions about my Cancer and the nurses at the Center who keep me upbeat.

On December 20th I will complete my Chemo cycle. I have been strong.  Being strong has made me hold in a lot of emotions.  I have not told anyone of all of the pain or emotional stress I have been enduring and likely I won't.  But thinking of my last chemo makes me so grateful for getting through it that I cry.  I can finally rest and release all of the frustration and pain.

Mabel

For over a year now, I have been wanting a new puppy.  Our Boxer of 11 years died in 2014 and we knew nothing would replace Roxy.  We raised her with our kids, she was the best family dog ever.  I must of missed the smooshy face because I became enthralled with french bulldogs.  To me frenchies look like a mini boxer.  I had been "begging" for over a year for my own French Bulldog. When I was going through my diagnosis for lymphoma my husband began a search for a french bulldog.  There is a breeder near us, so he went for a visit.  While I was recovering from surgery he started texting me pictures of a cute little frenchie.  I just couldn't commit at the time, not knowing what my diagnosis would be and how I would feel.

A little while later with 2 chemo treatments behind me, I was getting lonely being around the house. I started wanting that puppy again.  I needed something to do.  Little did I know that my husband had kept in touch with the breeder.  I began looking up info on new puppies and chemo.  Many sites said not to get one, due to the potty messes and my low immune system.  I was so disappointed.  My husband encouraged me to call the doctor to see if it would be alright.

The next day I called multiple times to be sent to voicemail or the wrong department.  I was ready to give up when my husband told me to get ready to look at puppy.  What?  I've tried to call the doctor, to no avail.  He had called earlier and got the go ahead.  He also called the breeder and she had a puppy she had not advertised.  We went to see her and signed the papers.  The perfect frenchie, a fawn female, most likely the runt of the litter.  I know she was meant for me.

 

 Mabel makes me laugh everyday!

She snuffles and snorts.  Cuddles and snores,

On days when I don't have energy Mabel will lay with me on the couch.  Other days she follows me everywhere.  She is not high maintenance, and is incredibly patient for puppy of 5 months.

I'm not Complaining

About 5 years ago I made a decision.  One that would change my thinking, relationships and lifestyle.  I made a conscience decision to stop complaining.  It hasn't been easy I have stumbled along the way. Okay, sometimes I complain in my head.
I choose to look at the positive or ways to change the situation in order to lessen the want to complain.  Complaining is so negative and contagious.  I choose to separate myself from people who complain also.  I will either have an urgent need to leave the room or just not contribute to the conversation.

So, 4 months ago I was told I had Cancer.  Hmmmmm, good reason to start complaining?  Not really. I have been through 1 biopsy, 2 surgeries, and 4 chemo treatments and through it I all I have no recollection of complaining.  I could be wrong, with chemo brain and all.  So, I thought now was a good time to recap my side effects for all those who ask me "How are you doing?"  Usually, I believe, they can tell when I smile and say "I'm alright"  or "Today is a good day".  I don't want to complain, because there is truly nothing the person asking can do.

"I'm alright" generally means.  I'm wearing real clothes today!  I am able to shower without feeling like I'm going to pass out.  Smells make me nauseous. My vision is blurred.  My fingertips are numb.  My legs are weak.  I could use a nap.

"Today is a good day" usually consists of eating small meals.  Being upright the entire day.  I am able to do some chores around the house.  Everything in the above paragraph.

But, I am not complaining.  I am alive.  I wake up everyday to a warm house and family.  I have a loving and committed husband.  I have happy children.  I have food to eat and water to drink.  I have support of friends.  I have a God, who is healing me every day.  So bring it on! I'm not complaining.

Bring the Rain- Mercy Me

I Made Plans

I'm halfway through.  The middle.  I have felt great and began counting down the weeks until Chemo was finished. I had calculated Dec. 13th.  I had a goal, an end to look forward to. I went to see my Oncologist for a quick check in.  After my last treatment I was incredibly nauseous, so he decided to add an additional anti nausea medication to the 2 I already get during treatment.  Why not.  He looked me in the face and said 3 more treatments, a PET scan, a little radiation and you will be cured.  CURED!  I was pumped. Nothing was gonna stop me, December 13th here I come!

  After my weekly Chiropractor appointment I go the local hospital for blood work.  It was Halloween, my birthday, and and I was planning my next chemo treatment for the following day.  I was feeling great.  Then I got the call.  Doris, the nurse in the Oncologist office, called to inform me that my white blood cell count was too low for Chemo.  I would have to wait a week.  It was like she slapped me in the face, I was stunned.  I was feeling great.  I was counting down.  I had plans!  What can I do to increase my white blood cell count?  Seriously, what?!  Uh, nothing.  My body is fighting to keep up.

I felt frustrated.  I was planning to skip Thanksgiving in order to be finished with Chemo and feeling great for Christmas.  This was going to be a Happy New Year!  I began to worry about infection, due to the low counts.  I stayed home for the week.  If I was going to rebuild those cells I had to stay healthy.  I started pounding protein shakes like it was my job.  In the meantime the "depression" crept up on me.  I needed something to do to occupy my mind.  I lost ambition.  What was I going to do that I could get done in one day, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.  Why start then.

My Husband said it was God's way of letting us have the upcoming weekend, with me feeling good, to go to the High School State Cross Country Meet.  We would also be able to have Thanksgiving while I am feeling good and would have the energy to visit with everyone.

Those who do not know me, I like to keep busy.  I enjoy work. I am not a television or movie watcher.  I don't sit still very well.  So I get out of bed in the morning without a purpose.   I'm not working right now, because I cannot be in the classroom with the kids due to infection nor do I have a consistent energy level.  I'm afraid to go places because let's face it people are gross.  (yes, I said it.  Honestly, people cough and sneeze all over the place plus I have been in public bathrooms before and many don't wash their hands) I would love to do projects around the house, or start a new hobby, but like I said before I'm not working so money isn't available for that.  So, I clean the house and do laundry and occasionally bake.  It's getting old.  I wanted Dec 13th badly.  Being "sick" really messes with your head.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

I need to focus on this aspect of my detour.  I am in God's hands and only He knows the reasons I am going through this.

This Guy

I am more than Blessed to share my life with this man!

From the time I was diagnosed with Lymphoma my husband, Ron, has been right by my side (or at least in the vacinity).  Ron had to overcome some anxieties to be with me during my diagnosis, surgeries, scans, and appointments.  He doesn't do well with doctors or hospitals, but he was there when it really mattered.

As my attitude and appearance changed, Ron never looked at me any differently.  Although I feel less than attractive, he makes me feel beautiful.  

Behind the scenes he waits.  Ron works tirelessly to make sure I have what I need or the kids need.  He makes arrangements for me to have someone praying for me or taking care of me when he can't be there.  

Ron keeps it real, by joking or teasing me.  He knows when I am feeling better, because I start to give him a hard time too.

I can only imagine how much stronger of a team we will be after this detour. 

Rebuilding

Cancer and treatments are both mentally and physically exhausting. Staying  positive can be difficult. Often times negative thoughts invade and I get a touch depressed.  I look to my family and friends to boost me up a bit.  Listening to K-LOVE helps.  I am blessed to receive gifts and cards in the mail.  They seem to come at just the right time. I think God has it planned that way.  Friends will get the urge to send a card right when I need it.  I wish I could contact everyone who has sent me a card to let them know that it truly helps my mood. I'm saving them to reread when things get iffy again.

This past treatment put me at the halfway mark for Chemo.  I had prepared myself mentally and had a better treatment with less pain and anxiety.  However, physically I was not ready.  My husband had treated me to a weekend in Dallas.  Sounds glamorous right?  Not so much, although it was fun to get away.  I'd never been to Dallas before.  It was business trip.  4am wake up and on a plane by 5:30am.  I was a mess thinking of the germ laced airport as I took of my shoes to go through security.  I worried that my port would set of the alarms so I carried my medial card and told everyone that I came in contact with.  I made it through with no problems.  Now on the plane, I touched nothing and wore a mask.  Landed in Dallas at 8am and off to breakfast.  Then to meet Clients at noon.  Drove to the Dallas Stadium by 1pm for a game.  Finally back to the Hotel by 8pm.  Straight to bed to catch an early flight home.  Totally exhausted, poor diet and then on to treatment.

I actually slept during this treatment.  My nurse, Shelia, was awesome.  Last time I had heaviness in my chest and difficulty catching my breath during treatment.  Shelia made sure she flushed me out to push the chemo meds through my body before starting another medication.  I was feeling good.  I went home after my 7 hours and had a hard time eating a meal.  The next morning I drank a Boost right away.  The rest of the day I ate little bits, but by dinner I was struggling.  Nausea settled in.  I went to bed early to avoid it.  By the next morning I was feeling terrible.  Drank another Boost and laid down.  I began making phone calls for help.  I had not gotten sick with my treatments yet, so I had no idea what would happen if I let myself relax and succumb to the nausea.  My Mom came to my rescue.  I spent the day in bed with a bucket.  Racing heart, difficulty breathing, weak.
During my time in bed, I slept when I could and prayed when I couldn't.  It got to the point that I just repeated "Jesus" until I could sleep again.

Along with a day in bed, I got a chance to think about what is happening with my body.  I feel as though I am being rebuilt from the inside out.  The Chemo is killing the cancer cells, but my good cells are also dying.  Think about having the ability to start over.  I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism after the birth of my second daughter.  I also have Hoshimotos Disease, which is a goiter caused by the thyroid.  My doctor told me that the Chemo will also cure my thyroid. Hmmm, a new chance at the thyroid.  A normal neck, better metabolism and no more medication.  The past few years I have had difficulty with my reproductive organs as well.  Pain, polyps, and heavy periods. I am noticing changes there too.  By the time this is over I will be completely new.  Illnesses will be cured and my blood will be clean.  It's a chance to take better care of myself.

Side Effects

Don't you just love those medication commercials?  Someone is walking through a meadow while a soothing voice explains the side effects to the miraculous drug that fixes your every problem.  A butterfly floats down onto the meadow walkers hand and the voice says "possible side effects include... mood swings, loss of appetite, horrible gas, and anal leakage.  Oh, but you don't pay any attention to that stuff because now the walker is laying next to a rainbow with puppies in their lap while a unicorn gallops in the background.  What side effects?

I have been trying to pay attention to the side effects of the R-CHOP chemo treatment I receive. Each one has it's downfalls but I am trying to find the good in them as well.  Here is a list that I have compiled at this point (1/3 of the way through).

1.  Hair loss-  Bad: People look at you strangely or with sadness in their eyes, they know
                       something is up but don't know what it is exactly.
                       Hats are hot when the weather doesn't cooperate with the calendar.
                       Good: No shaving!  My bathroom time is cut in half, not having to shave, shampoo,
                       condition, blow dry, and style. Not to mention the money saved on haircuts and color.

  Look at me saving all kinds of money on hair care products!

2. Change in taste- Bad/Good Things I usually like taste weird.  What I have eaten during my chemo

                                 treatment makes we want to gag after it's over.  I ate almonds and cherries my

                                 first time and I cannot even think of eating them now.  I always snacked on

                                 almonds.  After my first chemo all I wanted to eat was McDonald's (yuck and

                                 not the best choice) I think it was because I could taste it.  So I ate it during my

                                 my second treatment...Guess what I don't want anymore.  It's a win, win!

3. Mouth Sores-Bad: My mouth is drier than a popcorn fart for about 2 weeks following

                           chemo.  My tongue is swollen and white.  The back of my throat burns.  I bite the

                           insides of my cheeks and get sores.

                           Good: Only cold things feel good in my mouth.  Water does not cut it, so milkshakes

                           sherbet, Popsicles, and ice cream it is. 

4. Chemo-Brain- Bad: I'm not sure there is a good to this one.  It's often called a fog.  I have noticed
                              I am forgetting words.  I love words!  Vocabulary is fun for me and I can't seem
                              to remember simple words I always use.  My attention span seems to be shorter
                              or maybe I'm just bored. I get dizzy easy too.  Sometimes just turning my head too
                              fast will make me want to take a seat.

5. Tired, tired, tired- Bad: I can't do everything I want to do.  I like projects and staying busy.
                                    Good: Naps are awesome!

I'm sure the list will grow with each treatment and everyday changes.  I'm just glad at this point this is I am dealing with.  Prayers for those who suffer much more than I.

Emotional

I wasn't truly prepared for my second round of chemo.  I knew the process but the mental aspect was tougher this time around.  I had an appointment to see my Oncologist before my treatment so on the drive to the Center I was trying to remember how I was feeling the past three weeks.  I really need to keep to a journal of each day...how tired I am, if I can eat, and so forth.  My appointment seemed to go well and my blood counts were good.  I headed downstairs to the infusion center.

The center manager, Jan, (who is super awesome) was going to put me in the same cubical I was last time.  I groaned.  My poor Mom had to sit in a very uncomfortable chair for 7 hours last time, while the nurse climbed over her to get to me. The area I was in was loud and busy and I really wanted to be able to sleep, if possible.

Jan checked the private room and it was available.  I was giddy.  My Mom would be able to sit in a recliner while I could get some peace and quiet (my favorite thing).  My excitement soon turned to sadness.  It was quiet.  I was able to think.  I began to get nervous.  The nurse came in to "hook me up" while we waited for the Doctor to send the orders to the pharmacy.  Kristi (my nurse for the day) pressed on my port and the pain was terrible.  Why does it still hurt?  I did put the numbing cream on over an hour ago.  Kristi was shocked I could still feel it.  I flushed and felt like crying.  She said I shouldn't have any pain at all and if it continues we will talk to the surgeon who inserted the port. Now my nerves were really high.  Have I not healed from the surgery?  Is my body "rejecting" the port?  Was I just another patient, so it was rush job?

We hadn't really started yet and I needed to get out of there.  The only place to go is the bathroom.  I took lots of bathroom breaks.

When I returned, Pam was sitting in the room waiting for me.  Pam is a massage therapist who comes into the Center each Tuesday to help with relaxation and healing.  She was told to start with me (the basket case) and I was ever grateful.

In my private room I was able to turn off the lights and rest. Which gave me more time to think.  I talked to God while I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.  My Mom read her book and fielded questions from nurses.  I knew this would wear me out and wasn't looking forward to days of feeling full and bloated and laying on the couch.  Days of weakness in my legs that make them shake.  The swollen tongue and no taste buds.  Yawning and exhaustion.  I just wasn't ready.  I was feeling so good before I went in.  I was walking daily, eating, shopping with my daughter for homecoming. I was normal.

When I got home, I do believe a bit of depression set in.  I didn't want to leave the couch.  I cried often.  I lost myself in books.  I didn't even put on real clothes.  I checked in on the preschool through their facebook page and I felt so sad.  The kids were precious and happy and I wasn't there.  Days went by this way.  Finally Sunday and I could leave the house.  I wanted to go to Church, but I was still apprehensive.  I didn't want anyone to know how weak (in spirit) I was feeling.  I found my spot and didn't really speak to anyone.  I couldn't make it through worship standing so I sat and cried through most of it.  After service, I turned around to see a line of friends waiting to talk to me.  Each one held me tight and I cried harder.  Each one told me how they prayed for me daily and that I was stronger than I thought.  I'm so glad I pushed myself to go that morning.  It truly changed my thinking and my physical self.  I had more energy the following day and felt pretty good.

It's the Power of Love.                                          go ahead and sing it- Huey Lewis and the News  ;)

I lost it!

After my first Chemo treatment, I literally sat around waiting for side effects.  The list was long and I figured I needed to see what my body did so I would know what to expect the next time around.  I didn't get sick.  My taste buds changed a bit, but eventually went back to normal.  I was waiting for my hair to fall out.  I had talked to people who said they didn't lose their hair, or it was possible I wouldn't.

 I do believe that I had guilt of not having an outward sign that, yes I was sick. I stayed in my house during the school day for fear someone would see me and wonder why I wasn't teaching, I looked just fine. Then it happened...

I woke up 2 weeks after my first treatment to hair on my pillow.  In the sink.  In the shower.  It was going fast.  My hair would drop out of my head and land on my shoulder, it felt like spiders were crawling all over me.

  I had a really hard time "styling" my hair.  I was getting a bit patchy, I actually had a comb over at one point.  It was an emergency to get head coverings. I enjoyed looking for hats and scarves.  I used to wear hats all the time.  Within three days it was time to shave.

I brought the clippers downstairs and asked my husband to do the honors.  I really wanted him to be a part of the process and he was happy to oblige. We went out to the garage and he had a good time making designs on my head.

It was fun, not sorrowful.  It's hair.  My hair does not define me.  My daughter said it was if I was shedding the old me so I can begin anew. Such wise words from an 18 year old. 

Learning Lessons

We are being challenged everyday all of the time.  Often when the challenge isn't easily overcome we question why.  Why is this happening?  Why me?  After I found out my diagnosis of course I questioned, I wondered, I cried.

When I began my "detour" it was about a month before school started.  I had planned my year and was ready for my new batch of kids.
My Doctor told me, I would not have the energy or immune system to withstand a preschool
classroom.  10 years of developing the school and curriculum and I was told to take time off.  What am I going to do with myself?  I teach, play, sing and take care of kids, that's what I do!
Little did I know, my husband had already spoken with a teacher that may be interested in taking over as a long term substitute.  How dare he!  What is he thinking!  He's giving away my job!

I have always been a stubborn strong women.  I take care of things on my own and ask for very little help.  If I think I can do it, I will.  I take on challenges.  I take care of others.  I show little fear and hardly take time for myself.  If I hurt, I just keep going so no one feels sorry for me.  I keep a busy schedule.   Then......Cancer.

I am trying to be still.  To listen and look for my lessons in this.  God has a plan.  I apologized to my husband for "giving away my job".  He was making things easier for me. He was taking care of everything behind the scenes so I would not have to worry, but focus on my health.  I met with the wonderful lady he spoke too and it was as if God had led her to me and the school. She had just moved to the area and was in need of a job while I had one I could give.  Mrs. B and I talked and we discovered we have the same philosophy when it comes to children. Within 2 days she was hired to be my long term substitute.  Mrs. B is doing a great job with the kids and keeping me updated regularly.

I always feel guilty to have someone "wait" on me or do things for me.  The generosity I have gotten this past month has left me in tears on many occasions.  I was told by a friend, as I cried on her shoulder, "This is what the Body of Christ is all about.  We are here for you."  I have received cards and messages from people I don't see on a regular basis.  Some telling me their story of Cancer and how it has touched their family or even themselves.  I am part of a great church family who is providing meals and support to my family regularly.  I am loved.

I'm learning what is important in my day.  My Husband, Kids and Family are top!  If I am feeling well I am visiting.  I am answering the phone (I truly dislike talking on the phone) and returning calls. I am not concerned with what my house looks like.  I am taking time to listen to my body.  I am praising.  I am loving.

We'll see what lessons I will learn in the next year.  Keeping my eyes, ears and heart open.

Chemo day 1

Tuesday Aug. 23

To say I was anxious is an understatement.  I was going to the infusion center to have poison pumped into my body. 

My port was inserted only a week before and was still bruised making the process a bit painful.  Once the nurse hooked me up, I settled into my recliner for the 7 hour wait.

My husband was out of town, so my Mom got to stay with me.  Not knowing how my body would react to the treatment the nurses and my Mom kept a close eye on me.  We began very slowly with Tylenol and Benedryl (I could have done this at home).  Next was the newest drug they have in the process, Rituxin.  It supposedly seeks out the cancer cells and guides the medication to them.  Whatever.   This I believe was a 2 or 3 hour infusion.  During this time, as the nurse upped my dosages my shoulder began to itch terribly.  I took a look...

It was so odd, the tumor which was raised and solid red, began to separate and form a circle on my shoulder.  My body was going into battle and I would come out Victorious!  

The rest of the drugs were added and I felt just fine.  No sickness.  I left at 3:30 in the afternoon.

For the next 5 days I was on a strong steroid keeping me feeling energized.  I walked 2 miles the day after the treatment.  I went to a High School Football game.  I went to my daughters Cross Country meet, my husband kept me nourished with lots of ice cream and mac and cheese pizza. These were the only things that sounded good to eat.  My mouth was like cotton, dry. I could only taste sweet and salt.  Cold is best!  Then Sunday.  Tired.  No more steroids.  Monday.  Can't get off the couch.  Slept all day.  

I'm learning to listen to my body.  When I am tired, I sleep.  When I am hungry, I eat.  No Guilt, just get healthy again.

Diagnosis

I have Cancer?

I have Cancer!

I have Cancer.

I laid on the table while the Doctor slid a needle into my neck.  Did he say cancer?  I don't know what is going on.  My husband is in the waiting room.  Cancer.  I could see the needle penetrate the lymph node on the ultra sound.  God?  One of the Doctors held my hand and I squeezed so hard. Another needle.  Another Sample.  The Doctor patted me on the arm as he left the room.  One by one they left me to dress.  Tears.  Shaking.

The hand holding Doctor came back.  "Do you understand what he said?"  she asked.  I looked at her with tears, "I think so".  "It's completely treatable.  You're a strong woman, you are brave." she said
A nurse came in with juice.  Sort of like "Hey, you have Cancer...Apple or Cranberry?"

I composed myself and walked out of the office in a blur.  As soon as I saw my husband, I couldn't help myself. TEARS.  I cannot describe the look on his face.  He quickly held me up and rushed me to the car, knowing if I broke down it would be difficult to get me to the parking lot.  We stared at each other.

I asked my Mom to attend the next appointment.  I knew I wouldn't hear everything as my head was spinning.  The Doctor came in and said the needle biopsy was negative.  Thank God!  I can go home.  "I know you have Lymphoma." he said  "I just need to find it."  Huh?  I was in surgery the next day to have the lymph node removed and a biopsy of the skin on my shoulder.  The second Biopsy came back negative!  I went home to rest.

The next day, the Doctor called me directly and said the skin biopsy is not finalized yet but it was lymphoma.  What?  I chose not to believe it.  It's not certain, they are still testing, sending samples to other hospitals.  I'm good.  God's got this!  I don't have cancer.

The lymph node was removed on a Tuesday and the following Thursday I had a port inserted to start Chemo treatments.

What's wrong

What I thought was an injury to my shoulder that never seemed to heal turned into a diagnosis I never thought I would hear.

It was November of 2015, Thanksgiving to be exact, and my Dad gave me an incredible hug.  Pain shot through my shoulder.  Okay, that was weird, but I just let it go.  This was about the time we got a new dog, who was very strong.  This dog would pull at the leash so much I thought maybe he had pulled my shoulder a bit and caused an injury.

About December, I noticed my shoulder was red and hot to the touch.  Could this be an infection?  I was urged to see a doctor.  It was Sunday and I decided to go to the Urgent Care to get answers.  After a couple of hours and many x-rays later the Doctor came back with a diagnosis of Bursitis.  I was told to take ibuprofen and ice, it will go away.

In February, I had a scheduled appointment with my family doctor for my yearly thyroid check.  I mentioned my shoulder to the doctor who sent me for another x-ray.  His diagnosis was a slight tear in the AC joint of my shoulder.  He didn't feel it was necessary to immobilize my shoulder just be careful with it.  He prescribed an antibiotic just in  case of infection.

March came and I was then taking my youngest daughter to the Doctor for her annual check.  I told him my shoulder was still swollen, red and warm.  I was then given prendisone for the swelling.  Spring was a busy time with my preschool activities, H's track, and O's Senior year of school and Graduation approaching.  I still had full range of motion in my shoulder so I just let it go.  The Doctor had told me these take time to heal.

Warm weather approaching meant I was wearing sleeveless tops and the redness and swelling in my shoulder was very noticeable.  I decided to see an Orthopedic Doctor I had been to before for another joint issue.  If there was a tear, he would fix it.  It was July 5th by the time I got in to see the Doctor.  He looked at my x-rays and said he did not see a tear in the joint.  He felt it was a cyst of some kind, and ordered an MRI.

During this time I was taking Real Estate Classes in order to become licensed and begin selling.  I was doing something for myself and was incredibly excited with my new adventure.

After the first MRI I received a call (during class)  to schedule another MRI with contrast dye.  There was a mass on my shoulder and they couldn't tell exactly what it was.  I was back into the MRI machine in less than a week.  The same day I was referred to another Doctor and told to make an appointment.  I googled the Doctor and found he worked at the Cancer Center.

Indoor Track

My youngest daughter has turned into a runner.  She tried other sports; soccer, volleyball and basketball.  Last school year she decided to try out for Cross Country.  She was in eighth grade.

I don't run (unless I am being chased by something).  I jokingly tell my friends and people that I meet at these running events, that I run all the time. I run the sweeper, I run the dishwasher, I run the washing machine, I even run all over town getting my kids to various activities.

Now a Freshman in High School, Hannah, ran Cross Country and earned a Varsity letter in the fall.  She wanted to continue running and training over the winter so she decided to join indoor track.  I've seen indoor track on television at some point in my life, but have never experienced it.  Last week I discovered what it was all about.

Her first meet was in Bowling Green Ohio at the University. It was a Sunday, which was the first thing I didn't like about it.  We rushed to early church dressed in our school colors and Hannah is her running clothes.  Immediately after the service we drove the 30 minutes to the meet.  It was 11am when we arrived, she was ushered to the team room and my husband and I tried to figure out where to sit.  Bleachers were set up in the "infield" with a long jump pit in the corner, a high jump mat to the right and  Pole Vault right behind us.  So many things were happening at the same time, I wasn't sure what to watch.

Hannah would be running just one event, the two mile or 3200.  We looked in the program and saw that it would be one of the last events of the day.  2 hours of watching and waiting and her coach stopped by to say hello.  He mentioned that we may want to get lunch, there were many kids there to compete. This should have been the first clue that it would be a long day.

After lunch we went back to the gym to watch....and wait...and wait...and watch.  7 Hours after our first arrival Hannah ran her event.

Five days later we headed to another gym at a local college.  4:30pm she arrived and ran the second event of the night.  the 4x800 relay with other girls from her Cross Country team.  Hannah would still run the 2 mile the last event of the evening.  This is where we get to know the people around us.

It is now 11:15pm and Hannah lines up to run.  She is #2.  She ran her little heart out and pushed her limits to finish just a bit over 13 minutes.  So proud of her and her dedication for a girl of 14.

That's it, just two meets. I watched Hannah run 3 events, sat for 14 hours and discovered the passion and drive that keeps her going.  The only thing that will keep me going (to these events) is a good bleacher pad, lots of snacks, and a cell phone charger.

I swear, I only blinked.

Tomorrow my baby will be 18.  I cry. Not because I am sad, but because I am so very proud of her. I really like her as a person.  

I was incredibly happy to find out I would be a Mommy.  I cried with joy on the exam table the first time I heard her heart beat.  I watched with amazement during the ultrasound as she literally climbed up feet first the side of her little room (womb), lifted her little bottom up and slid back down. The day she arrived into this world she was awake the entire day...never slept.  She welcomed everyone who came to see her at the hospital with those pretty blue eyes.

  I wanted Olivia to be who she was born to be.  I tried to be open to what she wanted to do in life and not push her in any specific direction. Olivia is and always has been a dreamer.  She is only limited by how much she can imagine.  Since she was a little girl she was story teller.  Now she is an author and performer. 

Olivia is a good person.  She will celebrate with you, encourage you and even hurt with you.  She is soft spoken, but listen and you will hear a young women who is wise beyond her years.  Olivia is unique and has never followed trends or "the crowd".  (Hence the tutu and converse) She will move on to college this year and God is preparing my heart for her to leave.  I know she will do amazing things out in the world.  I was given this gift for just a short time and I hope I did enough.

If I could create one word to mean beauty, grace, witty, smart, calm and love; it would be

OLIVIA